My husband and I were married in a civil ceremony. We decided on my parents yard in Mt. Pleasant, Utah. Mostly because my husband had just been baptized and we didn't want to wait the year, the church required, to go through the temple. I take responsibility, almost to a detriment, for his "conversion". I was pretty straight forward about my wants of an "Eternal Family", and I wasn't going to make an exception. We decided to be sealed later. In the first year of our marriage we move back to his home state of Alabama. The housing market was so out of control in Utah we couldn't afford a home. We desperately wanted to start our lives with a home so we signed up for jobs and quickly moved back to Alabama where his family was. It ended up taking us two years to save up enough money to make it back to Utah and to be sealed in the Manti Temple. I had previously been endowed and had gone to that temple several times with my grandma, who had passed away, so the Manti Temple was a place of "Holiness" for me. My goal, for my life, was to live in a way we would make it to the Celestial Kingdom together and to have our family together forever. It sounds so romantic and beautiful. "To have our love for each other last forever". --biblically it isn't factual.
"For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in Heaven."
Matthew 22:30 NKJV
In the mean time we did the "work" it took to be worthy to make it to the temple. We went to church, we paid tithing took several classes on the sacredness of the temple and "prepared our hearts for the house of the Lord". I had been through the temple previously and it was nice to finally have my husband endowed (most Mormons reading this will understand what I mean) and to be sealed. The Mormon church starts teaching children from a very young age that the path is narrow and only the elect stay close to the gospel. You are told to stay worthy to enter into the temple, to be "worthy" to hold your priesthood, to have a Temple Marriage for "time and all eternity" and to always keep a "temple recommend" even if you don't live near a temple. If you are a man keeping yourself worthy to give blessings in Gods name is always a must have in every home. That is what Mormonism is all about. Looking back its not focused on the Savior at all. It's a form of mind control.
"Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
John 14:6 NKJV
"For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus."
Galatians 3:26 NKJV
Our first home in Winfield, Alabama. We couldn't believe it was ours the first night we slept in it. To us we had "arrived" at finally being adults.
Settling into life, but knowing I wasn't fulfilling Gods purpose for me.
Although we were settling into our jobs and our home, we desperately wanted a family. We had been married for almost 4 years and we wanted desperately to be parents. We had miscarried in Utah before we moved away and it took us several more years to get pregnant with our son. My miscarriage took a toll on me emotionally. If I can be real for a second I wasn't aware, to an extent, how emotionally charged that experience would be. No one in my family really had fertility issues, so when I found out I was pregnant, I started planning, like most people do, and then the miscarriage happened soon after. The morning we lost our babies I woke up to a lot of bleeding, I called into work and we went straight to the ER. That is when we found out we were having twins and that neither of them had a heartbeat. I still remember not wanting to look at the ultrasound screen. (To this day I regret not looking at it.) Seeing my husbands face and how sad he was was all I needed to see. I knew it was bad. It was an experience I will never forget. If there is a pain I know, and can share with someone else, it is losing a pregnancy. When we did finally get pregnant with our son, all I wanted after that, was to stay home. The problem?? I had no idea how we would do it. I worked also to pay bills. Both of our checks were keeping our household running. I had no idea what to do...so one night, in my room, I cried out to God in away I had never done before. Weeping is the word that comes to mind as I look back on that night on my knees praying. I was drenched with tears, sobbing and seeking answers. I desperately wanted to raise our son. I didn't want him in and out of daycare centers like I was as child. I knew being a stay-at-home mom wasn't going to be easy, but it was something I HAD to do.
"I will cry out to God Most High, to God who performs all things for me"
In a lot of ways that prayer changed my spirit, maybe the depth of that prayer, but also maybe how fast it was answered. I asked for an opportunity to stay home, but also I asked Him to make a way for my husband to get a promotion. I wasn't expecting anything to happen so quick. In my mind sometimes things take YEARS to happen-if it is God's will for it to even happen- but I knew in my mind prayers are always answered. We lived in the small town right after a housing crash and houses stayed on the market for YEARS. We decided we were going to try and sell our home as a "For Sale By Owner" and save us the equity we had built up in our home. Although the equity wasn't much- we wanted all of it. We put the sign up on a Thursday and we prayed. On that Saturday our mail lady came by and asked to see our home. I thought "sure as long as you buy it". She made an appointment to come by with her husband and that night they made an offer and bought our house. How could that be!!? How could a prayer be answered so quickly?!?!? I found out, a few weeks previous to us putting the sign up, she had driven by with her husband and said "If this house ever comes on the market we need to buy it."
In an effort to keep my self "worthy" for the blessings I wanted to receive I tried not to miss a Sunday at church. I thought we were on the right path and would be blessed AS LONG AS we continued to follow the gospel teaching and the Prophets of the church. I also didn't want to go against the promises I made to God in exchange to stay home and raise my son. Let me add that that is a dangerous place to be...Knowing what I know now our God doesn't give us blessing attached to conditions. He knows our hearts and if he wants to do things for us, he doesn't attach them to promises you make~He knows we are human and will break our promises.
"And now, Lord, You are God, and have promised this goodness to Your servant."
1 Chronicles 17:26 NKJV
Rough stone rolling
We sold our home. My husband did get a promotion, as a Co-Manager, and had been driving for 3 hours round trip for three months to Adamsville, Alabama. Now that we had sold our home, we were in search of a new home, but nothing was opening up. We HAD to find something closer to his work. I knew after the promotion he had received we would be at our new place for a few years. We needed something close to his store, but homes never came and prayers I thought should have been answered weren't. We knew our path included a Store Manager position and that sometimes takes years. We were in it for the long haul and needed a place to hunker down and wait.
I realize now my prayers WERE being answered, but God was giving me a reason and a purpose in waiting. I needed to learn how to be a stay-at-home mom. I know that sounds dumb, but it needed to happen. We couldn't find a safe place to live in the three months we were waiting for my job to end and for our home to close. Adam was driving back and forth and although he was tried of driving it wasn't something we could "just settle" on. Adamsville wasn't a very safe area and we had to wait. An option we had talked about was to buy a travel trailer and park it at Adams mom's home. Still an hour drive for Adam, but it would give me an opportunity to foster a relationship with Adam's parents AND give Caden a chance to spend some time with "Nana" and "PawPaw". The home hunting continued and the relationship with his parents bloomed. Moments I'll cherish for the rest of my life. It was a critical piece in our life that needed healing, on both ends, and it was also a time for me to learn to live humbly. We ended up renting an old Class A from his mother's uncle for the next three months. It is a time I will never forget.
Adam's mom, at the time, was taking care of her bed ridden mother. Hospice was coming in several times a week and Pam was feeding, bathing, changing diapers and giving her mother medical care. It was in those tender moments I saw that life was so very short. Pam lovingly woke up every morning, woke up "momma" (or Caden called her Grannie), changed her diaper, made her breakfast, gave her a bath in bed and tried to keep her comfortable. Caden spent a lot of time in that room with Pam (or Nana as we call her) and with Grannie. It was such a sweet time. It still brings tears to my eyes remembering how lovingly Pam cared for her mother. Even still, I was able to meet the most amazing women that came in with Hospice- Women who genuinely loved with their whole hearts. I also was able to spend sometime with some of Pam's matriarchs and I will treasure those moments for as long as I have breath in my lungs. My heart grew those few months because I learned compassion and charity for people.
"The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things--"
Titus 2:3-5 NKJV
A new chapter of hope and faith
We, by happen stance, were introduced to a realtor that was FINALLY able to help us. She was an answer to a HUGE prayer and her name is Kelly Shaw Smith . (That is a SHAMELESS plug for her.) If you need a home in the Birmingham area CALL HER! I am sure when she took us on as clients she thought it was going to be impossible to find us a home. Our budget was extremely small. Everything in our price range either needed a total gut job or was in a part of town that was crime ridden. We also needed to live near by his work because we knew he was going to be working so many long hours. It turned out to be one hard task!! If you have heard of Birmingham, Alabama you may be aware of their crime and murder rate. If you don't, go take a peek. I was going to be at home all day by myself and needed to feel safe in our home. It was almost impossible task. We looked every single day for three months. She sent us homes at all hours of the night. I drove HUNDREDS of miles looking at homes. She called me one morning and said "I have a lead on a house that hasn't been listed yet, come see it right now!" I drove as fast as I could. She found it. It was a totally remodeled home, in an older quiet neighborhood and was about 5 miles away from Adams work, IN our budget and not a dime over (everyone knows that doesn't happen). It was perfect.
This house symbolizes a lot of things for me. Although it was so very very small, I didn't care. I was finally going to be that mom and wife I had always dreamed about. I learned how to make things work financially, make things from scratch and make "pennies scream for mercy" (Adam's mom used to say). I had a very small budget, our own little piece of paradise and nothing else mattered. We were on a dead end street and I felt like it was living in the country not far from Adams work. I have nothing but fond memories of this home and Caden does too. It really taught me, as a mother, you make the happiness in your home. It took us a week to move in because we were moving from a 2000 square foot home into 1100 square feet. I had to realize what was important and get rid of everything else. It taught me how to live small, to live within a very very tight budget, to make things work and to rely on the Lord.
"Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD."
Psalms 27:14 NKJV
A calling which I was called
Caden and I had been going to a ward in Cullman, Alabama while we were living with Adam's parents. I knew attending that branch that it would be short lived, so we just went and participated. Right before we left Winfield I told some very good friends that, although we were looking in Adamsville for a home, I would NOT be attending church in Ensley where the boundary lines were. Most of Adamsville was in the boundary lines of Ensley and I WAS NOT attending church there. I knew it was an impoverished community and crime ridden, call it pride, but I was NOT driving there. Something amazing happens when you tell God what you AREN'T going to do, He has a way of making you do those very things. We did up in the Ensley boundaries and I ended up in the Ensley Branch. The work God did on my heart was nothing short of a miracle. One of the first Sunday I was there I had to go by myself because Adam was working crazy hours and most of everything I did was on my own. I cried all the way to church that Sunday because I didn't want to be there and I for sure didn't want to be there alone. I still remember walking in the side door and seeing bullet holes in the glass doors. I also recall the leaders locking the doors during services because they didn't want anyone to come in that had bad intentions. It wasn't a safe place, but once I arrived at my destination I had such a peace. I wasn't ever afraid once I was IN that building.
"who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began."
II Timothy 1:9 NKJV
It wasn't long before I got the calling of Primary President. I couldn't believe I had been entrusted with these babies. Most of them were just dropped off at church. I prayed constantly for guidance. I wanted the "Spirit to be with me" so I could be a vessel in teaching the Gospel to the children that came to church. My intentions were good. I loved those babies as soon as they walked into my Primary room. I made sure they left with food in their pockets and a hug around their neck. I always made sure I looked them in the eyes when I talked to them and made SURE I told them we loved them while they were there. I didn't know what poverty looked like until then. I also had never seen children hoard food because they didn't know when they would eat again. Most of the older children couldn't read, a lot of them weren't even living with their parents. It was very humbling experience. I felt my "job" was to love those children, if the only time they heard they were loved and that Jesus loved them too...it was going to be in THAT place.
"But Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for as such is the kingdom of Heaven"
Matthew 19:14 NKJV
My faith never wavered. If anything it was galvanized by those moments in that place.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed
I had a lot of free time in Adamsville. A new found freedom I hadn't experienced before. While Caden was napping I read. I read the bible. I read conference articles. I read books about Christians and I also found the Duggars. I started watching their show on accident and I was fascinated by them. I loved their values and what they stood for, I loved how their children were so well behaved and I loved their modesty standards. I loved everything about them and wanted to take their example and implement it into our life.I also learned about Godly Character traits from their show and wanted to implement that into our home school as well. I wanted EXACTLY what they had.
One thing that was an instant change was my modesty standard. I wanted to wear dresses and skirts. Partly because I wanted my body to be for my husband and partly because I wanted my son to see that modesty could be beautiful. It was an overnight change. I loved it. I loved feeling like a women and keeping my body covered. I wanted to have more friends like that so I joined groups on Facebook to have encouragement. I also started reading the Bible as often or more than the Book of Mormon. Finding Christians friends who were modest and home schooled was my primary goal. I found a few friends and I latched onto them.
I know that God brings people in our lives on purpose and I have no doubt that his plan for us is perfect when we rely on him. This is when I met Jaclyn and Tiffiney and several other moms who were "crunchie". I had no idea what that meant at the time, but it was about eating clean, eating organic foods and being healthy. They also taught me about herbs and essential oils. ~That isn't relevant~ except that Tiffiney was bold in telling me that I wasn't a Christian. She was straight forward in telling me that Mormonism wasn't a christian faith and that the things I was learning wasn't of God. I clearly wasn't ready for her to tell me this, because after weeks of talking with her for hours upon hours, I literally disengaged from her altogether. I wouldn't say I hated her, but I was appalled and disgusted. She was a very influential advocate for moms in the Cullman community and would die a few years later. She inspired me to be more faithful, I wanted to be a better mom because of her, I wanted to inspire other moms to be better moms because of her. and although she hurt me deeply, I now know my heart wasn't opened to hear her voice. I set out on a mission to prove to the naysayers every where that Mormonism WAS a christian faith. THEY were wrong. I didn't see what they saw and they didn't know my heart. I clung to that.
Finally feeling more comfortable in my new role as a mom, taking up a new idea of modesty, and getting into the rhythm of life my husband got THE promotion we were praying for. We moved to another small branch in Hamilton, Alabama and we settled in quickly all the while "making friends" online. It seems lame, but it was my outlet. I met a very christian mom named Haley. We became instant friends talking about our desires to be modest and our plans to home-school our children with Godly character. We talked about all things Duggar and how we wanted that for our children. I thought our common goals were making us fast friends when one random day, after she ran across the fact that I was Mormon, she sent me a message that said I wasn't a Christian. I was blown away at how rude she was. Looking back it wasn't RUDE it was BOLD. She didn't know me. She didn't know the way I lived my life. She didn't know my heart, BUT we had a lot in common and although the "Mormon" thing didn't come up often, when it did, I felt as though she said those things to purposely hurt me. I went on a spiritual mission to prove her wrong. I knew I was a Christian and I was going to prove it to her. We would pray for each other and send scriptures of encouragement and I loved it.
"Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
Mark 10:9 NKJV
When we moved to Hamilton my husband spent a lot of hours working. It was his first store and he was settling into his new role. He was also trying to repair a store that had been neglected for years, which meant a lot of hours to be worked and a lot of hours for me being in charge at home. We knew after leaving Adamsville what was ahead of us. Adam had worked countless hours in the last 2 years earning his way into the role he had now. I knew mentally going into this store that he was going to be gone a lot trying to fix the mess he inherited. I also knew somethings wouldn't be as important-like church attendance. He was still a good "priesthood holder" he just had other priorities. One Sunday I was feeling a little down about him not coming to church and a member of the leadership (I wont say this persons name) came to me and said "You deserve to have an active priesthood holder in your home." (I want to also add this wasn't the first church leader to say this to me) Insinuating that I didn't have a good man and that I should leave my husband and find someone who was an "active" member of the church. This really bothered me. How could a "man of God" tell me that marriage, if it was also of God, was something I could just throw away because my husband wasn't coming to church. We had been married in the TEMPLE he was my eternal companion!! I was NOT about to leave him....NEVER. My attendance after that was very sporadic and no one seemed to care. We were only in Hamilton for a short 9 months and I was glad to leave. Honestly I couldn't leave fast enough.
We knew Hamilton wasn't going to be a permanent place. It was a great learning experience for his first store, but an opportunity came open that we "Couldn't resist"~ so we took it.
Moving on to wide open spaces
This time it was in Omaha, Nebraska. We were both anxious about moving away from family and his parents were not happy. We were moving to an unknown place with no family and we were anxious and excited all at once. After his interview we moved in a matter of weeks. He left first and I was left behind to finish remodeling a home so we could sell it. We had not lived in that home long enough for anything to appreciate so we had to put some sweat equity in it to sell it fast. I painted that house, tore down wallpaper, hired someone to put in hardwood floors, changed out light fixtures, changed out Faucets and the list goes on. That house was a new creature when listed it. I learned a lot of hard work and dedication trying to sell that house. It was going to be a hard sell, but we started praying for buyers.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28 NKJV
We prayed to find a home quickly. Caden told us about the house he saw us living in after a dream he had one night. We spent countless hours looking at homes online before we ever made a trip to Omaha. Moving is stressful. Moving to a state you dont know many people is more stressful. We prayed a lot. We took a trip and knew "Heavenly Father" would find us a home. After being in Omaha for a few days, finding nothing and driving every where with our Realtor we were both a little bit disheartened. The homes were more expensive and the payment would be a lot higher because of the property taxes. Although we would be making WAY more money in Omaha than in Hamilton, our options seemed to still be limited. All the homes we had looked at needed work. We both knew with the commitment he made at the new store neither of us had the time or energy to remodel a home. In we drove passed this little model home and decided to stop in desperation to see what they had available. The west side of Omaha was booming with new growth and I didn't understand why there weren't more homes for sale. The agent at the desk only had two homes available in the time frame we needed them to be completed. Although she would be closing for the day soon, she took us right away and looked at the homes. The first house was small. It had no land and I felt cramped so we left. The other home she said "Would be perfect for what we were looking for". We walked in and Caden said "this is it". There was no paint on the walls, no carpet, the doors were missing and yet he still had that vision it was our home. I looked at Adam and we both said "We will take it". We left Omaha knowing where we would live. "Heavenly Father" provided us a home...and we weren't going to church.
We moved to Omaha, Nebraska! It sounds weird saying that now. Who lives in Nebraska? I love how every place we have lived has been marked with a critical life lesson. I view every home we have lived in a chapter important for my growth. Omaha was no different. Looking back Omaha had a specific lesson for me to become more confident as a home school mom. The task of teaching my son was daunting and terrifying. I had no idea how. Where do I start? What does home school even look like? How do I know when I am being successful? What about all those things people say about home schooled kids??? I needed those prayers answered.
The people there were like no place I've ever lived. Everyone was SO NICE! Over the top nice but it was genuine. Which is a far cry from places we had already lived. Everyone in our new ward was so welcoming, nice and wonderful. We dove head first into our ward and didn't look back. We got invited to a members home, a few weeks after moving in, for a 4th of July celebration. They knew we were alone and invited like we had been friends for years. The church once again became my strong hold. I dove into teaching my son the articles of faith during school. We learned church hymns and after I got a calling in achievement days I took him to church activities so he could learn with the girls.
"It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put confidence in man."
Psalms 118:8 NKJV
I remember one Sunday when I went to get my temple recommend renewed I asked about a question that was weighing on my mind. I asked my Bishop about a specific topic and what the First presidency thought about this topic. (I wont go into detail, that's not important) He looked at me and with a straight face and said "Dont be stupid. Stop reading things on the internet and just do it." I dont consider myself stupid. I honestly try very hard to research things out before I make a decision and get the council of my husband. I had also been taught in the church that making choices was hinged on the feelings you were getting. This man belittled me in such a way I couldn't go back. I wasn't offended in a sense that my "salvation" was on the line, but I couldn't in good conscious support a man who would talk to me like that. I couldn't. I also thought "How many other people does he talk to like this when they come to him in confidence?" I knew it was wrong and I wasn't going to condone it. He seemed to stop caring about our family after that. We stopped going almost immediately and no one seemed to care we left. After we stopped going to church those "nice people" at church fell off the map. They were GONE. I didn't understand what happened to them. It seemed odd to me that while we were still active they smiled and were nice to us, but when we stopped attending church POOF they were gone. Everyone knew we still lived in the area but refused to acknowledge we existed. We still had the missionaries over for dinner. We still did all the usual "Mormon" things, but not at church. All the while still reading the bible, still listening to conference and still trying to live in the Mormon world without going to church. It wasn't a scary time, it was a time of major spiritual growth.
"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."
Finding our place in the home school world.
When we first moved to Omaha I knew I needed to find some groups to get involved in. I am a home body so it didn't bother me to stay home and just be a shut in, but Caden needed friends. Those first few weeks in Omaha I met some incredible women who were strong, brave and out spoken. Women who made me strong in places the of my heart I needed healing. Mostly in areas of being a mom and not questioning my instincts, giving my body more credit for the work it had done and would do in the future. (I may blog about that more some other time, because it was a pivotal time for me.) We found a group that met once week for "free play". It turned into me finding another group where we played at the park all day with like minded moms and Caden met some good friends. I had been in deep prayer at this point because we had committed to two years in Omaha and I had to make a home for us. Those prayers were answered with these two groups. I was led to some Godly girlfriends who would answer a million prayers, but also seemed to be the influences I felt God was showing me where I was weak in areas of my life.
I had some pretty amazing home school friends that would become some of the best-est friends I had ever had. The most real, most genuine friends I have ever had in my life. I could talk to them about anything. I never felt like we were in competition with each other, which in the female world is really rare. They were real friends in every sense of the word and I thanked God for them constantly. Although I had been an active member in the church for several years I never felt I had genuine friendships. We talked about God, about being broken women who needed healing in Christ, about feelings of inadequacy and prayed for one another. I could take my deepest concerns to them and I knew they would pray for me. I would ASK for prayer and I knew they would in fact pray for me. None of them were Mormon and they loved me any way. I had no idea they knew I wasn't in a christian religion, but not once did they tell me until a few months ago. I love them for that. I love them for loving me knowing who I would become later.
I was starting to gain more confident in my new role as a teacher. I am reading a lot about home schooling, praying, reading the bible and I started listening to different sermons about all sorts of things. Not really understanding a lot of what they were saying, but it made me ponder things they would preach about. In the back of my mind I thought "How can they speak like this when they dont have the 'restored' gospel". I would be listening and half correcting their understanding of the bible~ or what I perceived to be the truth. How pretentious of me to think I knew more about the bible than these men! These men who had spent years studying the text, studying the history of the bible and reading hundreds of books on specifics of the bible. I was so arrogant.
"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might."
Ephesians 6:10
I feel like through all of this "Heavenly Father" was still blessing our life. The blessings are so abundant it's hard to name everything He had done for our family. Not necessarily in terms of monetary gain, but how things just seem to line up perfectly. We would pray for something, it would happen, prayers were answered and the cycle continued. In the back of my mind it made me question; How are we being blessed if we aren't being "obedient" to all the things the church has told us to do?...How can that be? In all of that I learned God is faithful not because of who we are, but because of who He is.
"Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--Unless indeed you are disqualified."
II Corinthians 13:5 NKJV
By small and simple things
I started questioning the validity of the "simple truths" of the Mormon church. Not the validity of the bible, but the validity of the Mormon motto "enduring to the end". My questioning about the gospel or the historical facts never even occurred to me. I never thought the "One TRUE church" would have lies upon lies to cover up. I knew we were different in terms of being Mormon vs the rest of the world, because we are taught "We a peculiar people", but what I didn't know was HOW peculiar we really were.
"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has ranted me my petition which I asked of Him."
Caden was getting older and started realizing that he was the only one of his friends that didn't have a sibling. He started asking for a brother or a sister and I told him he needed to pray for a baby. My son said a prayer for a baby sister for almost a year. We decided since it wasn't happening we would go to a fertility clinic and see what the problem was. Little did I know I was already pregnant, but would learn that the baby we thought we would be having was a blighted ovum. It was a hard few months trying to understand why God would do this to us. Why after trying for so long to get pregnant why would He, what I felt like, play a cruel joke on me. We kept trying for a baby, went back to the clinic for more work and after one procedure we were pregnant. Prayers were answered AGAIN! God is so faithful.
"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very will."
Psalms 139:14 NKJV
I won't go into details about the story of my daughter right now, I will at a later time, just because her birth story is worth being told. The prayers and the way things happened were nothing short of a miracle.
About half way through my pregnancy we started getting the "moving itch" and once again praying about where we would go next. My family had been asking us to move to Utah and honestly I hadn't wanted to move back. Adam had wanted to move to Utah for years and I kept putting it off. Until one day a store opened up and in the PERFECT location and He applied and got the job! It was almost too easy. I was dealing with a very high risk pregnancy and changing drs at 8 months pregnant would have been impossible. The receiving Market Manager said they wouldn't be needing him for a few weeks and we could wait to move after the baby was born. That NEVER EVER happens. Normally after you get a position things move really quickly. You interview, accept the job, within a week the ball starts rolling and by the months end you are in your new home. A prayer was answered AGAIN. I couldn't believe that not only was his new boss ok with him not starting until after the baby was born, but he didn't have to LEAVE Omaha until two weeks her birth. It blew our minds, and once again prayers were answered.
"The LORD is far from the wicked, But He hears the prayer of the righteous"
Proverbs 15:29 NKJV
The house hunting started all over again!! I don't know if many of you have been to Utah, but the housing market here is a little on the crazy side. The yards are small, the options are few, and the homes don't stay on the market long- I am also very picky which makes things a bit more difficult. When it was time to start looking for a home, with a realtor, I literally just had a baby. In fact we started talking to our realtor and our mortgage broker when I was 2 weeks away from delivery. We looked daily. Every new home that hit the market our realtor would send it to us. The qualifications were: laundry room on the floor with the bedrooms, all bedrooms on the same level, a decent size yard and close to my husbands work. I really felt like those things were minuscule and easy to accomplish. Listen. It may sound easy, but we looked EVERY WHERE. We expanded our search and we found NOTHING. We prayed harder. The day came when Adam flew to Utah and we were both unsure we would ever find what we were looking for. I stayed home and Caden flew out with Adam. It would be a new experience for Adam buying a home without me. My parents stayed behind in Omaha helping me get the home ready to sell and also to make sure I could make it on my own. I don't recover quickly after C-sections and Adam was really worried about me being alone. My parents stayed and helped me finish up a few things before our realtor came to take pictures of our home to sell. Thinking back it was an incredibly CRAZY few weeks.
Adam arrived in Utah. He had exactly three days to find a home. I was skeptical they would find anything since we hadn't seen anything new in weeks that we liked let alone loved. I think in 3 days our realtor walked through 45 homes with my husband and son. No lie. If they saw a "For Sale by Owner" our realtor would stop , call and they would look at it. At the end of the day they would go back to their hotel room exhausted and discouraged and then they would wake up early the next day and do it all over again. They found nothing, but knew we didn't have a very big window to find a home. The way things were going they would be going home empty handed.
After three days of intense looking my husband realized he needed more time and called the relocation company to extend his stay by two days. It gave him some time to put in an offer on a home, that he had already seen, and also to get the paperwork started. Neither of us were happy with anything, but knew we needed to leave Utah buying a home.
We were ready to make an offer on a home, that we had seen previously, it was also close to Adams work, but the home had been on the market for awhile. At the request of our realtor he went back for another walk through and decided it "would do for now". My husband and our realtor were getting ready to leave, to make an offer, when the next door neighbor walked by. Our Realtor starts asking her about the neighborhood. My husband pipes in and mentions how much he loves her yard. Sometime during the conversation our realtor asks "Have you ever thought about selling your home?" The home owner replies, "Yes, actually, we were just talking to a realtor this week. Would you like to come in and see it?" Sure! why not. (Huge yard. check. Close to Adams work...check.) They walk in and Mindie (the homeowner) takes them upstairs and says "The laundry room is upstairs with the bedrooms I hope that isn't a problem" (Laundry room upstairs with the bedrooms!!! CHECK. CHECK. SOLD!) How can this be? How can another prayer be answered when we weren't "living right"?? My husband calls me, tells me what happened, started sending me pictures and video chatting me the house. It literally was the house we needed. It was a surreal experience and prayers were answered AGAIN.
"So Jesus answered and said to them 'Have faith in God..."
Mark 11:22
We bought their home, it was in our budget. We requested a quick closing since we would have to be out of our old house in such a hurry and they agreed! The sellers weren't Mormon (which is important to note) and yet they were an answer to our prayers. I couldn't believe it happened again. An important prayer was answered and everything after that went so smoothly I remember holding our new baby and thinking "How could that have worked out any better?" It couldn't have. It wasn't us doing the work and I KNEW it.
"Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations,I will be exalted in the earth!"
Psalms 46:10
I purposed to speak truth
When my son was born I made a promise to myself and to God that I would never openly lie to any of my children. If they came to me with a question I wanted them to feel confident it would be answered truthfully. We played Santa, but as soon as Caden asked me about him I told Caden the truth. I also wanted my children to be able to think for themselves. During school I show Caden how to do things and then I allow him to do it his own way. It's a little difficult for me at times, but its important I have a children that are able to think and do for themselves.
I am sure, if you are still reading, you are wondering where the "bomb shell is", but it all adds up. My Aunt asked me today "What was the turning point for you leaving the church?", and honestly there wasn't ONE thing (as you have read) it was a million little things that needed to happen for me to leave. Like the Mormon church members like to say "line upon line precept upon precept" that is exactly how I left the Mormon church.
"If the household is worthy, let your peace come upon it. But if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you."
Matthew 10:13
The Incident
I don't remember the exact Sunday we started back to church when arrived in Utah. I do remember though that the people in the neighborhood were nice and eager to learn who we were. It was a weird experience having people show up at your door introducing themselves while you have movers in and out of your home. It was a nice, but awkward introduction. HOWEVER, something I noticed right away was the coldness of the people. Not to say as individuals they aren't nice, but as a body together in one place its an empty feeling. It was definitely a noticeable difference. I had this picture in my mind of what "Zion" would be like with all the strongest church members together and to me it was a dream come true. I wanted my son to have access to Boy Scouts with other members, I wanted him to be able to date girls that were "worthy" to be married in the temple and I wanted grand kids that would be sealed to us as a family. I had plans for my son and it INCLUDED the church as a critical building block in his life. It wasn't the people in that building that my testimony was hinging on, it was the GOSPEL. I didn't care if anyone in that building liked me, we were going to have the church in our family again.
I feel like what happened next is very anti-climactic from an outsiders point-of-view. Nothing from this point has been "critical" moments and I realize that. Nothing to this point can I can say "THIS was the moment my testimony shifted into a new direction", but it was in fact, a million little things.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast."
Ephesians 2:8 NKJV
It happened during a "Fast and Testimony" meeting just after my daughter was blessed and it hit like a ton of bricks. It was very unexpected but when i happened I was done/gone mentally. Honestly, "fast and testimony" Sunday meetings were my favorite times of the month and I had been to them hundreds of times in my life. I enjoyed listening to young kids share their LOVE for the church, so I am not sure why it was THIS meeting that hit me. This particular Sunday though there were two young girls that came up to the pulpit and they both said the EXACT.SAME.THING. They were from different families, different ages, they both had the same look,the same words, but not one time did they mention Jesus as their savior. I was horrified.
"I want to bare my testimony, I know this church is true, I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet today."
That Sunday was the meniscus for my adoring of the Mormon church. I understand giving children words until they find their own, because you do that when teaching your children how to speak and when they are talking to adults. You also read books to children until they are old enough to read for themselves and you teach children about Jesus until they are old enough to read the scriptures. In THAT moment I realized these children didn't know a THING about the history of the religion they were baring their testimony on, but that they were, in fact, being brain washed.
I know what you are thinking, especially if you are Mormon reading this, "it's NOT brainwashing". (insert eye roll here) I am sure you are saying "Teaching your children to bare their testimony happens in every church", but it wasn't that they were baring their testimony of the church that bothered me--it was their lack of wording that got to me. Where was Jesus in their testimony? It was all about "THE prophet". It was all about "Joseph Smith being a TRUE prophet" and it was about the Mormon church being "THE TRUE church". It is really hard to explain where I was in the midst of things unraveling but this was the clincher for me. I was in pure panic, shock and horror. I KNEW something was wrong and I couldn't go back until I did some more reading and praying. "Heavenly Father" had always answered by prayers, until this point, and I knew he wouldn't let me down now. I needed some answers and I needed to turn to some friends, who where neutral, and who wouldn't judge me for having doubts. If I had learned anything from being LDS it's that you can't honestly talk about your doubts to active members of the church. You end up with a invisible an "warning dangerous person" on your forehead, your back and people seem to avoid you.
I started reading and praying and prayed for people to come into my life that could answer the questions I had. Every step of the way prayers were answered and people entered my life at the right time. Prayers were being answered daily. People arrived, in my life, at the right moment to point me in a direction or show me things I had never heard of. Most of these people, who were answers to prayers, I dont talk to any more or haven't since. One day I was reading on Facebook about a friend who also left the church. I got the impression she decided to leave religion behind all together, but for me I needed God more than ever and I needed answers. Being bitter and walking away from faith wasn't an option for me.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectations is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved."
Psalm 62:5-6 NKJV
Now that I have been "out" emotionally for a year I have noticed a pattern. A LOT of the time when people find out the church isn't true, they leave the Mormon church and end up leaving God as well. Making me see, now, how the Mormon church teaches doctrine that points it's members AWAY from the TRUE Savior and has them put their hope and salvation in people. When you build your faith in people, on Prophets, and on relationships that are suppose to "last an eternity", when those things crumble then your faith in the god you knew stops existing. Its a terrible terrible reality. Honestly though, I would rather someone leave the church and be agnostic or atheist, because it's easier to start from zero, than leave Mormonism and still have a "testimony" of some parts of the doctrine. Mormonism is in direct contradiction to the bible.
"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. you will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles?"
Matthew 7:15-16 NKJV
I think it took me a few weeks to finally tell my husband that I was doubting. It seemed as though it was a relief for him. It's like he didn't have to pretend any more and he could just be himself. There seemed to be a huge burden lifted off his shoulders. He is a very strong godly man. The kind of man that leads our family boldly, but in a way, that doesn't feel controlling for my stubborn personality. I love him for everything he is for our family and I couldn't have prayed for a better man. If he knew the church wasn't true he didn't tell me. He allowed me to be consumed with a "gospel" that made me happy. He allowed me to teach our son those things in our home. He never criticized me in any way, but when I told him I didn't think the church was true....that was it for him.
Search, Ponder and Pray
The rabbit holes I have been down seeking out information about the church makes me angry at myself for believing the lies. Even now, after mentally divorcing myself for over a year, I am still angry. I often wonder- How I could have believed in these things for so long? How could I have allowed myself to say "those things" to people with such arrogance? I have been through all the degrees of mourning, and I wondered if there would ever be sunshine in my soul again. I know that sounds dramatic, but I was filled with such pain and horror that my mind couldn't understand how all these things could be lies! The most precious things of the gospel that I held on to so tightly were lies! It felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me and I was waiting for the breath to come back...and I waited...and I waited...and I waited. Until, I too, realized my hope and faith were indeed in the wrong Savior.
"Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24
The truth shall set you free
I know that that doesn't explain much, but what I am going to say next isn't nice. It's not safe and it is considered "Anti-Mormon", but if there is truth to be told, it can stand alone. It doesn't need propping or manipulation. Where light dwells darkness can't.
"Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house."
Matthew 5:15
One day at a Co-OP group we were attending a mom,who also left the church, told me about the CES letter. I had NEVER even heard of this. Why? Why hadn't I? Maybe its because reading anything that isn't "church approved" or even reading "Anti Mormon" literature is frowned upon...why fill your mind with things that are "so negative", when the gospel is "so good". I probably wouldn't have read it any way if I HAD heard about it when I was neck deep in believing the lies. I feel as though I was were I needed to be mentally that when I did finally listen, it was brought to me when I would read it. The website reads:
"CES Letter is one Latter-Day Saint's honest quest to get official answers from the LDS Church on its troubling origins, history, and practices. Jeremy Runnells was offered an opportunity to discuss his own doubts with a director of the Church Educational System (CES) and was assured that his doubts could be resolved. After reading Jeremy's letter, the director promised him a response.
No response ever came."
How can that possibly be true? The church wants us to know the truth right?? "Doubt our Doubts before we doubt the gospel truths" So I began reading the CES letter...and couldn't stop. It was like watching, in words, a lifetime of knowledge being demolished before my eyes. Its like trying to take your eyes off a horrific car accident. I consumed it like it was oxygen. I heard about the essays the church put out (however they bury them so no one can find them)....THEN I started listening to podcasts about other members who left the church and why they left. It just didn't stop. (I could write a novel of all the information I found against the church but there are plenty out there) Then I read books like "No man knows my history". The holes in the boat wouldn't didn't stop. My soul just sank deeper and deeper into mourning. The double speak from church leaders consumed me. If the Mormon church is a church of truth why try and confuse people? Why is the Mormon church so consumed with keeping people busy with works and not with understanding the bible? I feel like the church leadership make you consume your days with the Book of Mormon and working to prop up the church as a distraction. I won't keep bashing the church and their teachings, because that won't changes hearts or minds-The bible and truth will do that for me.
Here is a list of things I got from the Beggars Bread and it spoke to me so hard that it still echos in my soul.
The longer I am away from the abusive mind control the more I realize how horrible the church REALLY is. There is a saying "you can leave the church but you can't leave the church alone" I always wondered why that was...Now I know! It's only because you feel sorrow for the people still trapped in the mind games. "Live better. Do better. Become like Gods." The LDS.org is FULL of "talks" about being better and working harder, but not a lot of biblical truths. My body, mind and spirit were utterly and completely consumed with emptiness, heartache and confusion after I left. Now I feel compassion for those still trapped in the lies.
I needed healing
"Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28 NKJV
I needed a church that JUST gave me Jesus. I didn't know what that meant, looked like, but I did know that I would be lead there with prayer. I prayed for a community that would love me through my brokenness and encourage me to heal through the words in the bible. I didn't want them to tell me "Their church was the only way". I just wanted the bible taught to me so I could understand it. I needed truth.
I got brave and went to a church in town that met in the theater. The preacher preached in blue jeans and I just couldn't get passed it. In my Mormon mind there was one way to dress to church. One way to have church. One way to sing. I was struggling to come out of this mental mind game that I had tried to break free from. I also HATED having my son sit still during a service. I felt like church needed to be consumed, not beaten into children, and for him he COULDN'T sit still and hated church. I left there feeling worse than I did when I got there. Not that the sermon was bad. Nothing like that, but it wasn't a place I felt my healing would come. Nothing about that congregation or leadership was wrong or off, but too many legalistic things were ingrained in me that I couldn't see through them to feel the Holy Spirit. --I want to note that I understand it isn't someone else's job to MAKE me feel the spirit. That is God's work in me.
I started texting our old homeowner, because I knew they weren't Mormon by the crosses they had all over their home. I HAD to know where they went to church. I asked her a few questions about their beliefs and I gave it a try. I remember that Sunday we visited their church, we showed up late, but the greeters didn't care, they were just glad to see us. I was directed when we arrived to take Caden to HIS own class to sing and learn and Adelaide had her own class also. I was apprehensive at first, but leaning on hope I took them to their own classes. Their pastor, was also in jeans and only grabbed my attention because of his sermon. The music, being played by a band with loud speakers, almost felt irreverent. I was so uncomfortable when we got there that I knew I wouldn't be back. I knew this wasn't the place for my family. When I sat down and started listening to the words of the music the tears of brokenness started pouring out of my eyes. (and still do) The people around me hugged my neck (people I had never seen before) and were genuinely glad to have me at church. Their spirits filled the room like a warm blanket on a cold day. It was nothing I had ever experienced before. I knew this was yet another answer to a prayer I had had for months. I always thought as a Mormon I "knew" what the Holy Spirit felt like, but I can tell you, from this point of view, its different!!
When I went to pick up Adelaide she was happy and thrilled to see me. When I went to get Caden he was EXCITED to tell me what he learned. He said on the way home-"Mom can we go back!" and for the first time in his LIFE he wanted to go BACK to church. I know that seems small. I know church isn't always suppose to be about fun, but for him it made the difference. For him it is going to make the difference in the way he sees God move in his life. For me, it was the start of my heart being opened to hear God speak to me.
Calvary Mountain View has become the hospital for my broken heart because they pointed me to the biblical Jesus. They never once said their church was the ONLY way. I LOVE every Sunday getting deeper into the bible. I have learned more about the bible in the last year than I have in my entire life. I may not know the exact place the scripture is, but I can tell you in a lot of places what it says. I still have moments when I wonder what it would be like to have my children in those sweet pictures in front of the temple or have the fun Mormon parties when they are baptized, but that is all idols. Jesus is the temple. I want my children to not just be consumers of the Gospel, but also by being a light to others. I want my children to love others how our Savior sees them and not because we want them to be converted to a "Church". Compassion means something totally different now.
It honestly hasn't been a quick healing. It's been a slow grueling process that has been very painful. Somethings I thought were biblical to find out later that aren't biblical at all. I have a motto now: "if it isn't in the bible I dont want it." Leaving the church was the hardest decision I ever made. It wasn't because I wanted to "sin" or because wasn't strong enough to "endure to the end". I wasn't Mormon because it was a cool club, but because IT WAS THE ONLY TRUE CHURCH. When those fibers started to tear under stress I realized that things built on lies can't handle the storm.
"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock;"
Matthew 7:24 NKJV
So there it is
It's not a New York Best seller material, but it is my story and I am proud to say I love all of it. I love my new found love for the bible, the stories in it and learning from people who don't fit the mold of what I have always thought a "christian" should look like. I love seeing their fire for Jesus and hearing their testimony of how and when Jesus stepped in, yet while they were still sinning, and saved them any way. What an incredible story of love.
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8 NKJV
We are not saved by works. We are saved by grace through faith.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."
Ephesians 2:8-9
until next time;
Pelley
