What would you have us do next?

I got my first "Hate Mail" (I am calling it) last week. I guess there is a first for everyone. This has turned into an outlet for me. Its almost like a journal of thoughts and feelings. Not really concerned about what people think or feel after reading it although I do appreciate the time they spent sharing my ramblings. This is a better place to release than Facebook.

There have been so many things that have happened to me that give me not a single slightest doubt in my mind there is a God and that he does love us.

1. When I was about 11 I was hit by a car. She was going approximately 45 miles an hour and was not paying attention to what was going on around her. I hit the hood of the car, slammed into the windshield slug over the top, I shattered the back glass and finally to the hot summer asphalt. I do not remember feeling any pain. All I remember was I needed to pee. After all, that was the reason I was riding my bike home to my grandmothers house. I have no memory of the trauma my body felt or what was going on internally. I DO remember being told by an old man (Dr. Bateman who saw the accident) not to close my eyes or sleep. (I do remember being EXTREAMLY tired) My grandma telling me I was ok and that everything was going to be fine. They both were lying to me. I had fluid coming out of my ears that the Dr. said was an indication of a head trauma . They strapped me to a board and off I went to the ER to have pictures taken.--After several hours of nonsense I finally got to pee.  I walked away from that accident like nothing had ever happened. Not a scratch anywhere on my body. Several weeks later a young girl in the same town was not so lucky.

Most women would never let you see this picture of them. I am swollen and still pretty pale. I just got out of bed. Most pain I have ever experienced. I am just grateful to have been holding my tiny newborn son.

 2. Several years later and a few days before my high school graduation I got sick with a head cold that left me pretty much unable to see, walk or get out of bed. Worried I wouldn't be able to walk across the stage and receive my diploma, because I couldn't miss practice, I plead with my mom for ideas. I was not an active member of the LDS church and couldn't remember ever having a priesthood blessing. I talked to my step father about having one and he said "Its not just about the blessing, but about your faith." Did I have enough faith to believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus could heal me? Phew. I had a lot riding on this blessing. YES! I remember coming out from the basement. Feeling like a creature from the underworld. My mom following closely behind me. Not being able to see very well and feeling like I was one knock away from being taken (and I am sure looking and smelling like it) by death. Fred Hadley was there with Keith Brothersen (my step father) ready to give me a blessing. To this day I can not tell you what was said. I can just remember FEELING like I had been touched and would be healed. My mom lead me back down stairs into the cave. I had such a peaceful sleep. My mom said when she came to check on me, my fever ,that would not break, had finally broke. I graduated. In my pictures you can not tell I had been sick. It was really a miracle.

...I could tell you thousands of moments in between, but I will spare you the boredom and hopefully not embarrass myself...

We were young and in love. We are still IN love, just not so young any more!

After my husband and I were married I became ill. "Violently ill" doesn't even begin to describe it. I forged through it. We went to church.  We planned on making a trip to my mothers, about an hour away, because it was Mother's Day. We had not been home long when I passed out, stopped breathing, and had a seizure. Panicked, my new husband called 911, all the while trying to get me to come to. This would be my first of MANY MANY "episodes" as we call them. No explanation as to why. Several dr's later and many sleepless nights we have decided to keep me away from triggers. Still we do not have a diagnosis.

Fast forward about 3 years. We are now living in Alabama. It was a fast Sunday and we had just awoke from our afternoon nap. When I came down stairs I felt another "episode" coming on and tried to make it to the floor and couldnt before the lights went out. I remember feeling peaceful and seeing my Grandmother who had passed not long before. Usually these episodes are pretty easy to come out of and don't last long. Adam said my lips were blue and he said I shook. What seemed like just a few moments to me lasted several minutes for Adam. He was worried I wasn't going to wake up. I remember it being hard to come back out of it. For whatever reason I was sent back. Still stubborn I guess and hadn't learned much I am sure, but I come by it naturally I assure you.

I still get that same feeling when I see this house now. When I saw this house for the first time on the MLS it felt like home. Now its not so much "The house", but all the hundreds of thousands of memories inside this house. This is and will always be a happy place for me.

Large and in charge...The baby...Not the woman.

3. My husband and I have had an extremely difficult time conceiving for whatever reason. Our son is literally our miracle baby. I joke around and say I don't have a clue how he "happened"...but it is partially true. (I wont go into his birth story here. I will save that for his birthday.) I will tell you after I delivered him and was sent to the recovery room I coded. My husband and sister were in the room and said every nurse on the floor came rushing into my room. I remember passing out. Not sure if it was from pain or if it was because my vitals dropped. I don't remember saying "Grandma why are you here?" or the nurses saying "Sweet heart where do you see your grandma" or my husband saying "Her grandmother died last year" or the nursing saying "That's NOT a good sign", but there in the room was my grandmother. "Jennifer its not time yet. You need to be strong. Everything is going to be ok"

This is how I see my grandma. Just young.

Not time for what? HA! Seriously. I must really need a lot of rough edges smoothed out.

Our son had just been born. He was perfect in every single way. I know that Heavenly Father knew Adam couldn't handle loosing his wife after just giving birth to his son. Still to this day Adam doesn't like talking about it. A tornado of emotions colliding that he doesn't like to relive.

Can you see how tired he looks. I am not sure he slept more than a few hours a night. I still look pretty pale from the blood transfusions and Caden is still in a fetal position he is so new. Literally our first family picture.

After a long struggle with wanting to become a Store Manager with Walmart or being a stay-at-home mom with Caden. I had a moment with Heavenly Father that solidified my faith. I plead with him. Let it all out. Cried. Not one of those moments you see on TV, but a quiet moment on my knees in a humble prayer. No other agenda. I gave it my all. Then I made a promise. I will go and do and be where ever you want me to be if you will allow me to stay at home. What seemed like an impossible feat happened in a matter of months. Faith. Although it was a tiny request HE heard my heart and I KNEW he would answer my prayer. It happened in a time I think I needed it the most. Yet following instruction as I got them and having faith he would lead us through whatever struggles we would have to deal with.

Leaving a very good career. Walking away from two incomes. Selling a house we both loved. Giving up material items we thought mattered. Giving our doubts and our fears to prayer and trusting the Lord would carry us through.

You never know the love you have for a child until you are a parent. They always tell you, but you really truly don't know.

I am not saying I am perfect. I think I view things a lot differently now. Every single day is a day I don't take for granted. Whether its playing on the floor with my son in the same clothes I have worn for two (or three) days, or holding him in my lap watching Thomas the Train (for the umpteenth time), I cherish every.single.breath like it may be my last. Not relying on what our desires are, but relinquishing our lives to Our Father in Heaven.

One of our very first pictures together after I became a stay at home mom. We all look so happy!

 What would you have us do next?

That is the question. Anxiously waiting for our next Journey. Waiting for our next mission. Constantly reminding myself its not what I want for us, but what our Father would have us do right now.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo