I know I have already blogged this week, but this has been on my heart and I wanted to share it. What a better audience to share it with than with you. --You're Welcome--
With us celebrating Mother's Day this month I wanted to blog about something that has taken me a lifetime to achieve. Being a mom. What I thought was going to be an easy thing to do has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I think everything about it has been difficult.
Getting pregnant.
Almost dying in the hospital after delivery.
The recovery.
After 13 weeks of a long recovery and getting to know my son I had to go back to work. I still remember dropping him off at his sitters house and crying all the way to work. Feeling like a complete failure for not being able to stay at home with him. I thought I HAD to go back to work to pay for our bills. I prayed so hard to find someone that would love him as much as I did and although I HAD really found someone, and she did an AMAZING job, no amount of love someone else gives your child is the same as the Mother's love. Period. I know our Father in Heaven put her in our life because he knew we needed each other. After about 3 weeks I started to enjoy that time away. I felt like a "Super Hero" (I use that word because that is what we call my husband now) at work. Getting things done, accomplishing things outside of the home. I thought I was someone important and could make a difference. Although I WANTED to be at home with my son, it seemed easier to go to work.
That smile still makes my heart melt.
We went like this for 18 months. After several months of wrestling with myself about what I REALLY wanted for my future I went in prayer. Funny how things work out for the best when you stop doing things on your own and allow God to work.
Not getting a paycheck of my own was scary. We didn't need it any more. We had sold our house and we didn't have a house payment that NEEDED me to work. Plus I needed to finish packing and moving our house. That became my job. After that was over and we were comfortably moved into a 1982 36 foot RV my job became making sure my husband and my son were taken care of. How does one go from being a manager of a multimillion dollar retail store, managing any where from 80-500 people to staying home with a toddler? Oh.my.goodness. Eyes Wide Open. I used to joke with my mother-in-law that I went from my words and requests meaning something to being with someone who had no idea what I was talking about at all. Ever. Going from HAVING to be moving all day long to having to slow down and enjoying life. I did NOT adjust well.
Those eyes never get old to look at.
Its very difficult to put into words (with my very limited vocabulary) the culture and emotional shock I went through. I am very routine, to the letter, rules for everything, kind of person. I ran my business that way. I ran our life that way and I thought for sure, when I stayed home, life was going to be the same way. Get up. Get dressed. Have an agenda. Stick to the agenda. Be the agenda...don't stray from the agenda...then check off those little notes like I did at work. I stress myself out just thinking about it now. I know most of you SAHM are like yeah...whatever.. what agenda!?
I think after being home for about two months I became depressed. What?! You!? Yes. Me. I had had those feelings before, but I was always able to dive into work and forget about them. Not this time. I went and saw the Dr. I needed to hear that I was sick with a cold or my iron was low. Something other than telling me I was depressed. He sat down and looked me in the eye and said.
"Do you think you might be depressed?"
(I think I may have started crying before he even asked me.)
"I have a feeling all of these tests are going to come back normal. You've just had a lot of big changes happen its probably just temporary. It will be ok."
--Duh. I am to stubborn to play pity party for long. He scribbled me out a script and off I went.
I always missed things because I had to always work. He loves meeting new friends.
I filled that script. Took it home. Put it on the counter and starred at it. Almost as a reminder to get over it. Constantly reminding myself to stop being such a baby. To be grateful for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom. I was, after all, getting to see my son grow up before my eyes. Get to take naps when I wanted to. Go and do what I wanted to...stick to the agenda. Right??
Let me tell you something. Being a stay-at-home mom is the single most difficult job I have EVER done. Period. This beats ANYTHING I ever did for Walmart. It's the most unappreciated, unrecognized job there is out there. When I tell people I am a stay at home mom they ROLL THEIR EYES AT ME! Then start talking to me in short, small phrases. I am serious. Like my credentials as a stay-at-home mom are worth nothing. It doesn't matter what I was BEFORE I was a mom. A mom, in this society, doesn't mean a HILL a beans. Not that it matters what other people think about me, but I almost blame societies image of women for choosing to stay at home as not as important as working.
Who says I don't work??
Who says I don't work??
Do we make as much money as we did before?
Not even close.
Do we have as much "stuff" as we used to?
Nope.
Has it been easy?
Yes. When he is asleep.
I can tell you that even though we don't make as much. I am more tired than I have ever been, get dressed less, and put on make up less and less these days, My marriage has never been better. My son is happier. Our lives are finally the way it should be.
This is the single most important job there is.
These are moments worth sticking around for.
