Sometimes.. It's ok to not be strong.

I can't believe it has almost been a year since I have been on my blog! How fast life gets away from you. 

I really try and keep my blog upbeat.  Just about normal every day boring life. I try not to talk about politics because its polarizing...

and we have other places for that. Here I want people to grab a hot chocolate and stay awhile...

I want to share my heart with you and talk about something I feel like as mommas we dont talk about enough. Maybe because we are afraid of pain. Maybe we are afraid of the raw emotions we feel having to share our heart with someone. Whatever it is I think the best way to heal is to know we have someone close that knows what we are going through. Sharing our pain with someone else helps us heal.

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. I will tell you I love him more now than I have ever have thought possible. Its true. He loves me fat. He loves me ugly and he loves me when I am sick. Our hardships have brought us closer together. Has it always been easy...no, but it has totally been worth it. He is my prince charming.

We have struggled with infertility for our entire marriage. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Its been totally out of my control and I have to admit I am a control freak. I have gotten better, but in small places of my life. We were married less than a year when we found out we were pregnant. The joy was brief and short lived until we found out our two perfect babies had stopped growing and their hearts weren't beating. The pain. The emotional turmoil in my heart was endless. What happened? What did I do? What didn't I do? Did I cause this? I think the worst part was being unprepared for the pain that was coming after we left the hospital. How painful could it really be? I blame the Dr for not preparing me. It was more painful than anything I have experienced. We ended up after being in pain and labor for several days in the ER. The babies were still there and the dr's did a D&C. It was a peaceful ending to a terrifying experience. 

I think people who dont know try to come up with words to express how sad they are for you-- "well it happened. Right." "You know you can get pregnant" "Everything happens for a reason" Although well meaning these words aren't what needs to be said. I am positive words can't be said that can make the pain leave. I am not entirely sure time makes the pain go away just makes it easier...until it happens again. Then all those raw emotions comes back full force. 

After what seemed like a life time we finally had our beautiful baby boy. He is perfect. Everything I had ever wanted and more. I have convinced my heart and my spirit he is and will be our only one . I keep him close because I dont want to miss a single thing. Don't get me wrong...he does drive me crazy. Some days I wonder if I am a good mom. lol. dont we all?? Its about the refiners fire. 

Our sweet boy has come to the age where he doesn't like to be alone and be the only child any more. He begs for a sibling. We have always been trying and it just hasn't happened. It hurts. It hurts when I start my period and realize for that month the opportunity isn't there. I think part of me starts to hate myself for not being able to do the basic functions of being a woman. Maybe those who know what I am talking about can relate. The only thing I have ever wanted in life was to be a mom and a wife. 

Finally after moving to Omaha and starting our life over...again...God put someone in my life that knew what I needed. He knew I needed a push. She gave me a place to go to help us get pregnant. My biggest fear was them telling me I was really broken and couldn't have any more children. Which wouldn't change much...just having it said. 

We went. 

We saw. 

We got the process started.

I just needed my period to come....which was suppose to start that day. 

So we waited....

and waited. 

After a week we took a pregnancy test and there was that line. Could it be? Could we really be pregnant after all this time? Did we really not need the fertility clinics help? I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 2:30 that morning and did the test...technically it was Wednesday! RIGHT?? There she was in all her glory. We were FINALLY pregnant. Finally. My body works. It did it. 

For those of you mommas who have struggled with infertility you know those fears of miscarriage creep in. I wouldn't allow it. I wasn't going there. It took us this long to get pregnant my body won't betray me again. I was confident. 

We decided to wait to tell anyone until we got passed the first trimester. Not that this baby didn't matter, but its to painful to tell people and then to untell them. The hardest person to explain that to would be our son. So we decided to wait. 

I am not mocking anyone for telling people early. You always do what is right for you. For us, we just know the pain and decided to wait. 

We made our appointment to see our baby. It was literally the longest three weeks of my life. Am I right? Why is it when you are pregnant the weeks go by so slow? WHY!!! After our utter disaster with the birth of my son we decided to do things differently this time around. Aside from having this baby at a vets office we were going about it differently. We decided on a midwife. 

I couldn't wait for that first ultrasound to see our little baby. 8 weeks. We can see hands, feet, see them moving, see their heart beating. That is my favorite part. Life. A life growing inside of you. Its a sacred moment for anyone who has experienced being pregnant. 

Then it happened. 

This is what we saw. 

Its hard to articulate the fear. Where is the baby? Why can't I see the heart beating. 

The midwife asked how sure I was on my dates. Positive. If you are trying to get pregnant you KNOW. Am I right? You've got that down to a science. I've got 2 hours 3 minutes and 32 seconds before its time...right?? You just know. There was no way I was off two whole weeks! That is a life time. 

I left the office confused. We took my blood to see how how far along I really was. Could I be off...could my calculations be off that much?? 2 weeks? Could it have taken 10 days for my baby to have found a place to park itself in my uterus? Well....it is MY child that could be a possibility. I had to come back after the weekend for another test to make sure everything was ok. First of all pregnancy weeks are like 30 extra days in the 7 day normal week...then add the waiting on a test result time frame??? Someone just shoot me. The test came back great. They wanted us to come in for another ultrasound. Some how I knew. I knew the results would be the same and it was. Another empty womb. 

Its called a Blighted Ovum. Everything is there but the baby doesn't grow. Your body still thinks you are pregnant. You have the same symptoms as being pregnant. You get the positive pregnancy test. You have the rising HCG levels...you have ALL the symptoms. It has to be the harshest reality to face. Some stories I have read there are women who continue to grow until they are 20 weeks to find out there is no baby. The agony. The heartache. The utter brokenness. I can't imagine being pregnant for 12 more weeks. My heart can't even cope with that. 

Mommas this is the part we need to stop being strong and hiding our pain. We need to let grief be OK. Its ok to allow our hearts to be sad. I really feel like we are parents from the time we see that positive pregnancy test. That for me is when my life changes. To many of us act like its ok and we dont share our pain with others. There are to many moms out there that suffer in silence. All babies lives matter. Our pain and sadness matters. Cry. Be angry. Cry some more. Just be. 

As I am in the throws of my pain and sadness I see rays of sunshine in this storm. Friends coming over who know what its like bring me chocolate and flowers. Loving notes of encouragement because they have been there. They know. They mourn with you. The compassion. The tears. The feelings of feeling broken are still there. I am angry. Sad. Shattered. Confused and feel utterly hurt. How could my body betray me again. 

Sometimes. Its ok to not be strong.