Rejoicing in Life

I promise you I will keep most of these light and less emotional, but sometimes life isn't just about baking bread and cooking up herbs...sometimes its sharing with the ones you love your innermost struggles. Some times you have a trigger moment...I read something today that triggered this.
I was born into a family of extremely fertile women. My maternal great grandmother had 12 children by the time she was 32. My grandmother had 8 children by the time she was 32 and my mother had 4 children by the time she was 30. Without trying I might add. My mother told me NEVER THINK about having sex unless I was ready to have children...hmm. (Not how it works, but you get the picture) 
When Adam and I got married we knew we wanted to have a family and decided not to wait, not to "try", but not prevent it either. We were married in April 2007 and the following March we found out we were pregnant. We were thrilled as most soon-to-be parents are. About a month later we found out we were having twins at the same time we found out there was no heartbeat. There is nothing that really prepares you for those words that comes out of the dr's mouth.
Shock. Disbelief. Guilt. Sadness. Pain.
Its been several years since then. I am not sure those feelings ever "go away" maybe you just put them in a place in your heart that feels it less. What I do know is that I am able to mourn with those that have lost their unborn children. You see I believe you become parents in that moment you see that positive pregnancy test. I believe your heart feels it. I believe your spirit feels it.
I was able to spend some time "at home" with my family before I had to go back to work. It was important that I had that support. It seems silly to some, but you really draw strength from one another. I think as newly weds my husband needed that too.
I went back to work and life went on...sort of.
If you are that person who struggles with infertility you know what I am talking about. You know what it is like for people to not share with you the news of their new pregnancy. They are afraid of hurting you. Which I think hurts worse than finding out they are pregnant. Its not jealousy you feel its pain. You ARE excited for them. You are. Its the pain of wondering what is wrong with you that you can't get things right. Feeling broken.
So you deal with it.
2010 November
 I am pregnant.
At a time most parents are excited...panic set in. I remember calling my sister who had just had her baby and crying. Scared to get excited about being pregnant. Scared about loosing another one. What a comfort she brought.
He was born July 20, 2011. He filled places in my heart I am not sure I knew were there.
He is my proof that miracles do happen. 
 Watching him grow I pray for another miracle.
Yet rejoicing in the miracle of life given to those around me.
Thank you for allowing me to share that with you...

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